• 80%完美的日子

    2011/01/27

    Tag:


         我每天都像陀螺一样不停转,只有吃饭坐车的时候是真正闲暇的时刻,周末也是抓紧一切时间去超市去买东西,礼拜天也要洗衣服做饭打扫房间。偶尔也好想歇一歇,瘫在床上什么也不干过一天啊。

         或许如果我想找个男朋友,那就是能够偶尔帮我分担一点共同奋斗的角色。所以,互相扶持共同进步成长是关键。或者有个人让我仰望让我追赶也好啊,就像Nodame那样。唯一的梦想就是跟chiaki前辈同台演出。

         Nodame不断追赶。我曾经也有追赶的时候,初中的时候觉得自己不够好,可是追着追着就超过了。或者说,那个人一直呆在原地没有动,而我已经离他很远了。两个人现在完全不可能有任何交集了,我也根本不可能会喜欢那样的人了。其实挺悲哀的不是么。


         其实我根本也不是为了追赶谁吧,只是自私地想要变得更好吧。


         每天辗转着公交转火车,不停赶时刻表不停跑,登上车先大口喘气。平静下来,或是快速赶着时间走在路上,有时会想,我一直不停往前冲,一直想要不断变得更好,再更好一点,到底是为了什么呢。

         偶尔也会沮丧起来,今天坐在火车上想,我不断向前冲,结果总是以为可以一直在一起的人,跟我说你太好太优秀了我配不上你,你值得更好的,我不能给你你想要的之类的屁话。那我到底为什么还要向前冲呢,为了听这些屁话么?当我不断变得更好更优秀之后,真的有人会牵着我的手一直走下去么?

         对,我自尊心要了命的强,强到我可以压制自己的感情,强到我可以抛开自己的感情去变得更强更好。

         我知道恋爱什么的根本统统不靠谱,比不上我自己奋斗换来的实在。所以我就一直往前冲,不管不顾。

         为谁停下脚步?别跟我开玩笑了,爱情这玩意儿太虚无飘渺了,这一秒你说love u always跟我勾画俩人变成老爷爷老奶奶牙都掉光了,下一秒保不定就去跟别人暧昧公开在一起,进行着我最不屑的作秀晒幸福。这一秒你看到我就笑,眼睛亮闪闪的,下一秒就会跟别人诉说我有多迷恋你想要马上结婚戒指都戴起来了。想想都觉得恶心。

         感情什么的,这一秒有感觉下一秒又没了之类的,今天完全放下了明天做了个梦又TMD回来了难过了像抱着膝盖哭一会儿抱怨现实的残酷上天耍着我玩儿的操蛋,我自己也想不通。我TM连自己都琢磨不透自己个儿,又叫我怎么才能叫别人明白我要什么我在想什么我的感觉是什么。我的感觉就是我这一秒是爱你的,下一秒我也不知道。我说着爱你的时候或许很爱你或许也不一定,我很爱你的时候或许我反而会说不出口反而会很冷漠要推开你。我就是个抽风的人,自己都没辙,你叫我怎么解释给你听。


         我自己奋斗换来的东西,一点点积累起来,我知道自己在哪里,我用自己的力量在完全陌生的国家变成十项全能,让自己小日子过得舒适开心。我现在的生活全是我一路奋斗换来的,这让我觉得很安全很踏实。每一步都实实在在的,很真实。

         所以,我想这大概就是为什么,我从下了飞机踏上法国国土的时候开始,就一直各种撒丫子happy。所以,恕我还是不能理解那些出国孤独空虚寂寞冷的小苦逼们。那么苦逼当初干嘛要出来啊,觉得受罪就好好跟家呆着爹妈捧着伺候着别出来哭天抢地凄风苦雨的。这种小苦逼们就应该把丫扎一捆,集体拉去山西挖煤。

         因为对我来说,这就是我自己一直确定坚信想要走的路,这就是我80%完美的日子。

     

  • quotes from "2 days in paris"

    2010/10/05

    Tag:

    It always fascinated me how people go from loving you madly to nothing at all, nothing.

    It hurts so much.

    When I feel someone is going to leave me, I have a tendency to break up first before I get to hear the whole thing. Here it is. One more, one less. Another wasted love story.

    I really love this one. When I think that its over, that I'll never see him again like this... well yes, I'll bump into him, we'll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together, then we'll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely.

    Almost.

    Always the same for me.Break up, break down. Drunk up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, fuck around. Forget the one and only.

    Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one,until that one is gone as well.

    There's a moment in life where you can't recover any more from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can't live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well you love his sneezes more than anyone else's kisses.

     

    ------------------------------

    It's an old diary really it is.

    I'm just maybe too sentimental this night after fighting & arguing for Chinese chocolate market against the strange vegetarian & non-alcohol french guy(for me of coruse is crazy for either), who thinks China really just step into chocolate market and sent me the link a stupid marketing solution idea OF CHINA, he said "it is really crazy about what they do!". I could not explain why I got a little bit angry suddenly, ha~ Yeah I know it's crazy~ Then I sent him email and asked, you drink tea in France? Of coruse I know they do and I would never ask this stupid question when there is nothing wrong with my head. It's really dangerous for students from two different countries to compare the two markets as we know little about each other. Little exactly.

    Radiculous, uh? I never thought someday I would fight for chinese chocolate market! hahaha. Foe what? I don't know. For my country and my people? WOW, that's REALLY fascinating!Funny when I thought back how it happened.

    Aha I always talk too much even in English, but sure it doesn't happen in my French. My French is still un peu et un peu, and always recalling something everyday. My French friends are fond of test my french everyday. Yeah, they are really very very kind. And explain everything about french that I cannot understand. I'm a question-mark little girl~

     

    Yeah, sorry we back to the old diary. I'm really get touched every time when I saw the movie or read the lines. I really smile every time.

    It happens.

    Yes. There is someone.

  • I'm an old man

    2010/10/05

    Tag:

    高山在云雾里,也要勇敢地爬过去。

    大海上暴风雨,只要不灰心不失意。


    A kiss is still a kiss in casablanca
    but kiss is not a kiss without your sigh

     

    A kiss is still a kiss
    A sigh is still (just) a sigh


     

    I'm an old man, who likes 60s, 70s & 80s old songs, who is an alcoholic, who still uses pens with bottle of ink.

  • countdown

    2010/08/28

    Tag:

          还有4天不到就要离开神奇国度啦。

          我一个本来要跟我一起坐1号半夜飞机去法国同学校的同学,因为之前我在围脖上说的,一直不能约面签,于是于是,她大概要推迟一年入学跟我同学了。 上海办事处管的我,在七月底就约了面试,20都要递签了。但是她,因为人在青岛,被分去了北京办事处。跟我同一时间寄的材料,也就是7月初。现在能约面试了,但是9月12号之前的都没有了。

         唉,于是我要一个人半夜坐飞机并到迪拜转机,一个人在迪拜机场呆5个小时。神啊。30多公斤的箱子我提着根本走不了几步,还背着一个10公斤的随身登山包,555...想想就觉得凄惨哪~~~

         昨天凌晨才查到说签证返回了,周一去拿,周三就飞走了,这也太紧急了。保佑我过!

     

         另,对于让我在国内最后几天都不是那么开心的某人,虽然我有能力迅速调整好心态和心情,也能迅速使自己不受一点影响。但绝对不会原谅。

  • 快点走到我身边来吧。

    2010/08/26

    Tag:

         好像是个很独立的人。可以一个人吃饭逛街健身旅行,都自得其乐。

         小伙伴说一个人吃饭会觉得自己很凄凉,绝对不能一个人吃饭。我会觉得奇怪,一个人吃饭也可以很惬意,超级自在的啊。

         恩,没错,一个人的时候,是与自己相处的时光。走路的时候听着ipod,抬头看着天上奇形怪状的云,路边的树叶纷纷扬扬地落下。吃饭的时候,随意把面分成几份,划来划去,边吃边观察每个芦笋的细瓣,杯子里饮料的气泡。一个人吃着好吃的,听着慢慢的音乐,阳光很好,安静舒适,满足口腹的同时,内心亦是满足的。

         但是身为总是有很多稀奇古怪想法和大发现的话唠小朋友,我总是想跟谁分享下心情。看到树叶飘落,或是小虫子在打架,我在心里好像跟谁轻轻说话,呐, 你看到了吗看到了吗?但,兴高采烈地转头想转过头去拉着的时候,发现身边什么也没有,只有我一个人。这种时候,也不是没有丝毫沮丧的。

     

         恋爱的时候,有时会怕话太多被嫌弃,或是什么心情都告诉对方会显得太依赖对方给他太多压力,一起走的时候也不会这样随便就拉住叨叨。一起吃饭的时候,偶尔分神观察下牛骨头怪异的形状,大概也转而会抬头说其他别的。我关注的小虫子小落叶小气泡什么的,大概除了自己谁也不感兴趣吧。对方或许只会抬头“哦”一声,或是“那又怎样”地嘲笑我大惊小怪吧。

         或许,我心底,还是希望有个人可以让我转头就拉住,跟他叨叨这个那个,说我各种奇奇怪怪别人不能理解的想法吧。

         那个我一直在心里跟你说着话的人,快点走到我身边来吧,我一直等着你呐。我有好多历险记,还有好多委屈。我憋了好久,有一大箩筐话要跟你说呢。要拉着你不吃不睡好好说上三天三夜才行啊。